uforn
Administrator
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Jokes
Jan 16, 2011 23:21:52 GMT 1
Post by uforn on Jan 16, 2011 23:21:52 GMT 1
Jokes A fella out at the pub meets this beautiful girl. They chat for hours & he finds he has more in common with her than he has with any other girl. They eventually went back to his place where they spent a few hours having the most mind-blowing sex he’d ever experienced. He kissed & licked her from head to toe, and even obliged when she asked him to stick his tongue up her ass, something he never thought he’d do or enjoy. Eventually, exhausted, he drifted off to sleep, convinced that she was the girl of his dreams. In the morning, he awoke to find her playing with his member. "You really can’t get enough of my member," he quipped with a cheeky grin on his face & the blood rushing to his groin. Still stroking his rapidly growing member, she said, "Oh, I was just remembering back to what it was like when I had one."
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uforn
Administrator
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Jokes
Jan 16, 2011 23:28:10 GMT 1
Post by uforn on Jan 16, 2011 23:28:10 GMT 1
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me." she told him.
"Oh no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes." the man replied.
He was in obvious agony lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments then asked.... "How does that feel?"
He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts."
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uforn
Administrator
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Jokes
Jan 16, 2011 23:38:52 GMT 1
Post by uforn on Jan 16, 2011 23:38:52 GMT 1
A mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by her son's house after he was recently married. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house to see her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" the mother-in-law asked.
"I am waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law replied.
"Why are you naked?" asked the mother-in-law.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law replied.
"Love dress? You are naked!" said the mother-in-law.
"But my husband loves it when I wear this dress. It makes him happy, and he makes me happy. I would appreciate your leaving now because my husband will be home any minute."
Soured by all of this romantic stuff, the mother-in-law left. On the way home, she thought about the "love dress" and got an idea. She undressed, showered, applied her best perfume, and waited by the door for her husband to come home.
Finally, the pickup truck pulled into the driveway, and she took her place by the door. The father-in-law opened the door and immediately saw his wife naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," the mother-in-law replied.
"Maybe you should iron it first," he said.
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mike69
Photo Analysist
Posts: 225
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Jokes
Jan 16, 2011 23:45:26 GMT 1
Post by mike69 on Jan 16, 2011 23:45:26 GMT 1
kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
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uforn
Administrator
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Jokes
Jan 17, 2011 0:04:02 GMT 1
Post by uforn on Jan 17, 2011 0:04:02 GMT 1
A young couple got married. On their honeymoon, they were very anxious about having sex because they were both virgins. Because of their sexual inexperience, they were a bit uncomfortable discussing the subject so they came up with the term "doing the laundry" to use in place of "having sex."
This made them both more comfortable with the whole concept. Well, the first night of their honeymoon was wonderful. They "did the laundry" 5 times that first night. In the middle of the night the new husband woke up, and he was ready to do the laundry again. He gently shook his new wife and asked her, "Can we do the laundry again?" but she was very tired.
She told him that she just couldn't do it again just yet. Maybe in the morning. A few hours later the new wife awoke feeling very guilty. What he had asked for wasn't unreasonable, and she decided she should go ahead and "do the laundry" with him again.
She gently shook him and said, "Honey, I'm sorry I denied you... We can do the laundry again if you want,"
He replied, "That's ok... It was a small load... I did it by hand."
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uforn
Administrator
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In Search For The Truth
Posts: 5,400
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Jokes
Jan 17, 2011 0:05:28 GMT 1
Post by uforn on Jan 17, 2011 0:05:28 GMT 1
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The busdriver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
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uforn
Administrator
Investigator In Training
In Search For The Truth
Posts: 5,400
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Jokes
Jan 17, 2011 0:07:34 GMT 1
Post by uforn on Jan 17, 2011 0:07:34 GMT 1
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."
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Jokes
Jan 17, 2011 0:09:42 GMT 1
Post by meldrew on Jan 17, 2011 0:09:42 GMT 1
lol. a done in moderator of the global variety can't think of any. I may have to go back in time and find a couple, hang in there,. I have found them loll
DEFINITIONS Whats the definition of agony?
an one armed man hanging off a cliff with an itchy arsehole
whats the definition of disgust?
kissing your nan good bye and she sticks her tongue in your mouth.
whats the definition of nasty?
using sand as a lubricant (only the french like that )
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uforn
Administrator
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In Search For The Truth
Posts: 5,400
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Jokes
Jan 17, 2011 0:28:51 GMT 1
Post by uforn on Jan 17, 2011 0:28:51 GMT 1
A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He looks in his rear view mirror and notices a police car with its red lights. He thinks, "I can outrun this guy", so he floors it.
The cars are racing down the highway - 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy realizes he can't outrun the cop so he gives up and pulls over to the curb.
The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."
The man thought for a moment and said, "Three weeks ago my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!"
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Jokes
Jan 17, 2011 1:04:58 GMT 1
Post by meldrew on Jan 17, 2011 1:04:58 GMT 1
what do typhoons and women have in common? they both blow in wet and warm and leave with your car and your house
God visists a bloke and says to him "to get into heaven you must give up smoking, drinking and women". He advises the fella to come back in a fortnight to see how hes getting on. 2 weeks later he re-visits and the fella says "im doing alright. Ive given up drinking and smoking but the other day my missis was bending over the freezer, i could help myself and gave her 1 from behind". God says "heaven wouldnt like that!!" He replies " morrisons werent to pleased either"!
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Jokes
Jan 17, 2011 21:49:46 GMT 1
Post by prettyboyfloyd on Jan 17, 2011 21:49:46 GMT 1
There was an oldman called Dave. Who kept a dead whore in hes cave. He said i admit,im abit of a shit but think of the money oll save.
There was an oldlady called Mary Knox. Who gave ten thousand men the pox. Here she lays dead & forgotton. Her heart was good but her carnt was rotton.
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Jokes
Feb 20, 2011 10:07:00 GMT 1
Post by prettyboyfloyd on Feb 20, 2011 10:07:00 GMT 1
"How Sex Starts" A smile leads to a laugh.A laugh leads to a high 5.A high 5 leads to a hug.A hug leads to a kiss.A kiss leads to makeout.A makeout leads to a feel up.A feel up leads to a finger.A finger leads to a lick.A lick leads to a suck.A suck leads to a fark.Sex is like mathematics you add the bed and subtract the clothes and divide the legs.Leave your solution and pray you dont multiply" Sex is like Mcdonalds im loving it.Pussy is like Subway,eat fresh.Dick is Gatorade,is it in you.And the joke is like an Std so spread it.Who ever breaks this chain will be cursed with relationship problems for 10 years.Something good will happen tonight at 11.45pm if you forward to 10 people or more.Ready set go""""" "Beer" A real woman really is mans best friend.She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do.She will enable him to express hes deepest emotions and give into hes most intimate desires.She makes him feel sexy and seductive and invincible.No wait wait .Im thinking of Beer,its farking Beer that does that sorry"" Cheers:Prettyboyfloyd
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Jokes
Feb 20, 2011 20:11:19 GMT 1
Post by simplyerik on Feb 20, 2011 20:11:19 GMT 1
Definition of Disgust: Eating a bowl of cornflakes in the morning and then realizing its your sisters scab collection.
A man and his wife are going at it one night when the wife looks over and sees Junior, their son, standing at the doorway. "Honey get out of here now!" She manages to say between breaths but the father interjects with "He's going to have to learn about it sometime. Junior climb on my back. So the boy climbs up on his dads back and the couple get right back into the groove. The wife starts moaning and then screaming and just before she climaxes she yells "OH MY GOD I'M GOING TO CUM!" Suddenly junior wraps his arms tightly around his dads neck and shouts "HOLD ON DADDY, THIS IS WHERE ME AND THE MILKMAN GET THROWN OFF!!!
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Jokes
Feb 20, 2011 20:52:02 GMT 1
Post by simplyerik on Feb 20, 2011 20:52:02 GMT 1
Whats the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste.
What does an electric train set and a woman's breasts have in common? Both were intended for children, but its the fathers who play with them.
Oh here's to the breezes, that blow through the treeses, and lifts the girls skirts up past their kneeses. The little boy sees this and does as he pleases, and that's how we've got, social diseases.
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Jokes
Mar 19, 2011 16:03:03 GMT 1
Post by prettyboyfloyd on Mar 19, 2011 16:03:03 GMT 1
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Jokes
Apr 24, 2011 19:08:37 GMT 1
Post by meldrew on Apr 24, 2011 19:08:37 GMT 1
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'
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cindy
Researcher
Posts: 57
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Jokes
May 14, 2013 4:10:40 GMT 1
Post by cindy on May 14, 2013 4:10:40 GMT 1
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know crap?"
And then she went back to reading her book.
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cindy
Researcher
Posts: 57
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Jokes
May 14, 2013 4:10:54 GMT 1
Post by cindy on May 14, 2013 4:10:54 GMT 1
sorry double post
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aburge
Interested Party
If we dont know the truth then what is real?
Posts: 4
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Jokes
Sept 27, 2013 15:08:30 GMT 1
Post by aburge on Sept 27, 2013 15:08:30 GMT 1
A man walks into a bar "ouch"
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